So Close
by Sev-chan
Summary: Hmm...this is my first Newsies fic. I not really sure what genre to place it under so now it's under Angstromance. Though, this fic is pretty sad in mood. I hope you like it! 1st person pov, Spot....mod. day I guess


Disclaimer: Don't own, don't flame, don't sue!

Warning: nothing that I can think of.

Pairing: Spot?

Words in Italics is a song by Rascal Flatts called What Hurts The Most

**So Close **

You ever take a walk when the rain seems to die down to a simple mist in the evening after a long down pour? Me neither. I'd been cooped up in my house for three days since classes didn't start for one more month, but that wasn't the reason I wanted to get out for a bit. Granted I'd spent a good sum of my time crying on and off. It's not like I couldn't function on my own without anyone to keep me company. Though, when ever anybody ever comes by visiting they automatically say that something's off about me. But ten to one they'd never be able to figure out what.

There are times when I'm able to feel like my old self again, but those never last. It's not exactly what I'd like to call normal the way I'm trying to get on with my life, now that is. It's just I didn't realize how much he'd actually meant to me.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me_

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_I'm not afraid to cry_

_Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me_

_There are days_

_Every now and again I pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me_

I'm a naturally selfish person and very unaware of what most of what my emotions are or could even mean. Which is why I'm having this little problem, I'm more then positive I'll get over it soon. Most of the time I like to keep things bottled up inside, it's that whole male mentality thing that it's not cool to share your feelings. With anyone. So when it comes to being with someone I'm just as shut off about what I'm feeling no matter who it is. Although that could just be one big excuse.

You see, I was sort of with this guy and we were in this relationship without really calling it so. He said he didn't want a loveless relationship and told me and I quote.

"I'm not in this, whatever "this" is, just because I have nothing or no one else better to do. Spot……." I had jus watched as he had walked to the door, paused and exhaled a large breathe he'd taken, and just shook his head. And without looking back he walked out the door. It wasn't until much later that I realized how much it hurt, not knowing that what I'd felt for him was love.

_What hurts the most, was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watchin you walk away_

_Never knowing, what could have been_

_And not seein that lovin you_

_Is what I was tryin to do_

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket, now I feel stupid wearing a thin black T-shit in this weather. But at least I don't feel like I'm tense. I guess walking does sort of calm the nerves a bit considering I do feel a lot less shut in. Speaking of shut in, there's quite a few people out and about for this type of weather; personally it's all wind and ice to me. Damn cold air. I turned my head to the sound of people laughing so loud you could hear them from the inside of the restaurant across the street. I can feel myself starting to glare at the people till I realize I know most of the guys sitting at the table. One of them sees me and I can feel that crappy fake smile of mine come into place as I nod my head in his direction and just keep walking.

As I made my way past the restaurant I found a tree to lean under as the rain started to pick up where it had left off earlier on in the day. I wonder what we'd be doing right now if we were still together. Sitting in front of the TV one in the others arms? Usually me in his cause he had this habit of playing with my hair…If I ever fell asleep next to him on the couch and woke up, I'd find my hair sticking up at odd angles. He'd laugh at the expression on my face and then I'd pick up the nearest cushion and hit him with it.

I wish that there wasn't something off about me that people could see. Half of our old friends won't even talk to me; I suppose that means the only good thing about me, to them, was you.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doin it_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken_

I should just head across the street and get something to eat while I'm out here. I made my way to the restaurant next to the one where some of my friends were at. It's not like I don't like 'em I'm just not in the mood to be around anyone who might say something about the way I'm acting. Besides, I highly doubt that they'd want me around anyways considering that they were his friends before mine.

Oh it was so warm in the doorway alone, but just as I was about to walk into the restaurant I see him. My eyes are wide and I know my jaw dropped just momentarily. I always loved the way he smiled. But here he is…smiling at someone else.

_What hurts the most, is being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watchin you walk away_

_Never knowing, what could have been_

_And not seein that lovin you_

_Is what I was tryin to do_

This was really all my fault. If I hadn't been so stubborn about not admitting how much he really meant to me, we'd probably be together right now.

I should have told him. I should have ran out of the house that day and chased him down the street. I could've met him halfway at the park took hold of his hand, pulled him close to me, kissed him, and told him that I loved him. It's sort of funny how loved can mean both past and present. I wonder if he still loved me?

_What hurts the most, was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watchin you walk away_

_And never knowing, what could have been_

_And not seein that lovin you_

_Is what I was tryin to do_

I leaned against the doorway of the restaurant and stared at him. Eventually him and his date got up to leave. He didn't even spare me a glance as they started to walk towards the doorway. Just as they were passing by I stared at the side of his head and whispered.

"I loved you." He stopped mid-step but didn't turn around, I'm a little more then positive he could see my reflection in the window. Only because I could see his. He shook his head and with a slight smile on his face, continued walking out the door.

I stayed leaning against the side of the restaurant doorway just staring at him. Till I couldn't no more.

_not seein that lovin you_

_that's what I was tryin to do…_

XXX

A/N: well this was my first Newsies fic. Now I do hope you enjoyed reading it. I hope you don't hate it.(finally, I decided it's Race who was with Spot::makes face:) Also, if he seemed out of character I'm sorry, I tend to write most characters OOC to fit the purpose of the fic for some reason. Content before character I guess lol. (Man I got to stop that.)

Anywho, reviews welcomed.

-Sev.


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